*smooch* (ldy) wrote,
*smooch*
ldy

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Maybe I'm old-fashioned, feeling as I do

When I fall in love, it will be forever.
Or I'll never fall in love.


I'm not even sure I know what romantic love is.

Yes, I've felt it. But in retrospect, each time was nothing more than a thinly-veiled codependency. A hidden desire. Love for the wrong reasons.

I say in retrospect. I seem to have... lost that need. I don't feel I need to be with anyone. I don't need a lover as a mere companion. I don't need one to be validated, to be liked, to satisfy some internal shopping-list, or to feel complete.

And yet, I get this extraordinary feeling that there is someone out there waiting for me. And by letting go of these loves-for-the-wrong-reasons, I am opening myself up to and inviting True Love. My hearts tells me that when I meet him, I'll know... much as I always knew early-on in my other relationships that each wasn't right.

I've just gotten through (am getting through) my relationship with my friend (now my friend). He is heartbroken, and I feel terrible; I never wished to hurt him. The problem is with me, my wanting more, and my expectations of him, not with him persay per se. He is whom he is. But he doesn't understand this. He only seems to understand the concept that he must have been wrong, and in being so, somehow drove me away. In frustration, and perhaps out of habit, I have now fed this concept.

But people are neither right nor wrong. "Right" only exists to create "wrong"-- that people could take on being right or wrong as some sort of attribute like hair colour or nationality is an idea that only seems to make sense in context, and quickly crumbles under any sort of scrutiny. And knowing what I know now, I could never hold him responsible for my emotions. But even with right and wrong and fault and blame fallen by the wayside, I knew it wasn't right for me.

I have another friend who shares my mind, treats me like gold, and loves me truly. But although I'd lay my life down for his in a second, I don't feel romantic attraction. I sometimes feel shallow for not accepting his overtures... after all, physical/chemical attraction is such a minor thing, really, overall (despite the overwhelming wealth of popular culture that attempts to convince us otherwise). But there must be some reason why the attraction is not there. I know it isn't. And therein lies the crux.

Someday I will know this other feeling, won't I?

*sigh*

Perhaps I've read too many faery-tales. Perhaps... there is no such thing as True Love.

However, within almost every popular myth, every faery-tale, there is the glint of truth. A seed of something true that the rest feeds upon, and grows around.

So I have Hope. Perhaps there is truth in True Love.

Surely I could tell
When I sleep tonight, a dream will call
And raise its head in majesty
Dividing all my energy to the meeting of your love
Where from whence it came
Like a singer searching for a song
I try to reach where you belong
As I will be the song for you, I will be your servant child
No, oh no-- I cannot be deceived
No, oh no-- There's something that I feel
There's something that I feel inside
Surely I could tell
If you ask me Lord, to board the train
My life, my love, would be the same
As I would be the one for you, in the meeting of your love
In the meeting of your love

--Anderson, Howe, Wakeman and Bruford


It has been said that "when the student is ready, the master will appear." I've seen this to happen in my own life, over and over again. I don't know whether this is actual Truth, or merely an illusion of linear perception (probably the latter-- appearance has as much to do with something being recognized as being there, as with its actually being there), but regardless-- it seems plausible to me that when I am ready, True Love will appear.

I don't know if I'm ready yet, but perhaps I've set my foot shakily upon this path.
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