And once again, my life is topsy-turvy. But I'm oddly OK with it this time :)
My position as Marketing Director of a $15m roofing business lasted all of six weeks. The leadership was so distracted and dysfunctional that they were in a dire and desperate financial situation and didn't even realize it. I was laid-off, as were several other key personnel, suddenly and without fanfare. It was an amicable parting-- the release was actually a relief, I saw it coming for days-- I only wish I'd been able to do more to turn things around in my short stay there.
That was one week ago. Since then, I've been reassessing my situation, and learning to let go of dysfunctional relationships and thought patterns. I had been working so hard (50-60 hour weeks, evenings, weekends) that I was one frazzled ball of stress, so I splurged on a deep tissue massage a couple of days ago.
Well, that's what I thought I was getting, anyway. Apparently, my body had pools of stagnant energy, and the therapist focused on moving my Qi around through light massage and a whole lot of burping. Yes, burping. It was an hour massage, but she spent nearly two hours with me. She said she had done things that she hadn't done in nearly twenty years of practitioning.
I was skeptical, to say the least, but I couldn't argue with the lady-- my energy has been scattered and wild for at least nine months now, maybe even years, and my physical discomfort, as bad as its been, has placed a distant second to my chronic emotional pain. I found myself crying when I left.
Since then I've been sleeping. And eating. And unusually peaceful with The World as it Is. I've rediscovered my center, and am actually letting go of old behaviours instead of just bemoaning and recycling them with different faces in familiar places.
Coincidence? Psychosomatic reaction? True energy healing, or merely the work I've been doing for weeks now coming to its fruition?
Fact is, it doesn't much matter. I'm just happy for this subtle and significant shift.
So, that brings me back to what to do with the rest of my life, career-wise. Not a big question, right?
I know what I don't want-- I don't want to dive headfirst into another dysfunctional relationship, I don't want to put another person's or entity's needs before my own, I don't want to settle for anything anymore. I'm thinking of this in terms of career, but I suppose it applies to all my relationships. That's not to say I don't see the beauty and truth in living a life of service or in the giving of myself, merely that there are positive and negative ways to do that. By clinging to the negative, I've been diminishing the positive. By feeding the monsters of blame and need, I've been impeding progress.
I've always known this, but I've never felt so free of it before. Separate, somehow.
As for what I do want... well, when people ask me what I want to do with my life, I almost always answer "move to London or Edinburgh and act." But the decisions I make carry me further and further away from that bliss. So I'm going to focus on moving closer.
Now, I can't very well pick-up and move overseas on a moment's notice--
Why not, Ldy? No, seriously, why not?
Well, there's the cat, who'd either have to be in quarantine for six months or stay here with friends. Not to mention all the credit card debt. And I kinda sorta lack a Visa, and any means of support.
Yes, yes. These are clearly all completely insurmountable dilemmas. Carry on.
Sorry, hold on a second. What, you're saying they're not?
No, not at all. I'm not saying anything. You're saying they are. Therefore, you are completely correct.
Wait, but you're me.
Don't confound the issue. Just note that what you want is only as far away as you think it and make it out to be.
Yeah, um... ok.
Where was I, again now?
Oh, yeah. The future. So, I was thinking about starting my own freelance writing and marketing business on the side while I get my ducks in a row to sing for my supper*, as it were. I've already had five or six people approach me about it, out of the blue, so I already have a stable of five or six potential clients. Figuring out a pricing structure seems wicked-difficult...
But it's not. You know that, right?
Yes, yes, of course I know that, me. Don't you know it's rude to interrupt? Couldja put a lid on it already?
I can't do that, Ldy.
Wow. Creeeeeppyyyyyy. Anywho, so I was saying, it's wicked-difficult, but it's certainly not insurmountable. It's totally surmountable. Other people do it all the time. Why, in just the last week alone I've met two different women who are doing freelance writing and marketing work, and know several others. And I have at least one friend in Orlando who is acting, another who is starting to make her way in New York, a facebook friend who has gone from a stage career with Royal Shakespeare in the UK to a wonderful film career in LA, and a dear friend here who has risen from his own ashes to recreate an amazing life as a writer and filmmaker. I am surrounded by competent, capable, truly talented individuals who are doing what I want to do and are happy to help me succeed. Friends and strangers alike are saying "go, go, GO!"
Doors are opening where there were no doors before. I think it means I'm on the right track here. And in the past six months I've survived a toxic, failed relationship, three deaths, a car wreck, the decimation of my self-esteem, thoughts of suicide, financial near-ruin, ongoing semi-self-inflicted heartache and so much more. If the worst that could happen to me is bankruptcy, there's truly nothing to be afraid of. A dysfunctional life full of dysfunctional relationships? This is what I've been running to time and time again out of fear of going without stupid things like an illusionary sense of security, which doesn't even exist in reality in any meaningful way?!
I've let go. I can't control you. I can't control any of this. My sphere of control is exactly THIS BIG, and I've been trading what little control I have over the few things I can actually change for a farcical and completely imagined sense of control over people and situations and things that I cannot hope to even influence.
It's going to be OK... It's all going to be OK. In fact, it IS OK. Better than that, really. I'm changing the things I can, letting go of the things I can't, thanking the Powers that Be for the ability to see the difference... hm, this sounds oddly familiar.
There is no reason to be afraid. The universe is unfolding as it should. I am finding security and serenity and center by letting go.
That said, as I write this, my face is burning, my hands are shaking and I feel so light I might float away. If I'm this shaken, I may be on to something truly amazing.
Or, y'know, I could just be coming down with the flu.
It's my nature to make light when things get heavy. Yes, I am scared very nearly to death. And I will not let that stop me :)
Big words. Big big words. I need to make sure I don't create bigger words to quash them. Words like "can't" and "shouldn't" and "impossible" and "crazy" and "stupid."
Can. Should. Possible. Clear. Brilliant.
Wow, it's gotten awfully quiet in here.
Hey, where'd the voice go?
Hm. Funny how it quiets down just when I listen.
I hope that you are all happy, healthy and following your bliss. <3
* Yes, I am going to purchase several ducks and then train them to sit in a row and sing for my supper. What's so weird about that?!
** Of course, the other explanation that neatly ties together all of this is that I am completely and insufferably quite mad. I'm kinda OK with that possibility, as well :)
*** “None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.” Ralph Waldo Emerson