*smooch* (ldy) wrote,

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A Fine, Fine Line

Was starting afresh, driving to the gym today, when I got t-boned by another driver. I'm alright, just badly bruised. I don't think my car's going to make it, though. It's the first traffic infraction I've ever received.

Seriously, Writers? Aren't we going a bit heavy-handed on the symbolism? Sheesh.

I was supposed to be at a cue-to-cue rehearsal tonight, but the director suggested I take the night off and rest up. I appreciate her kindness.

Paul's off to a bonfire, a second date with his new girlfriend (a woman he had been brazenly and drunkenly hitting on at our friend's memorial service-- classy, I know). We had something of a "no dating" rule, but he ditched that when it was no longer convenient.* For him. I don't have much room to talk on the subject, I know. I quite like the girl; I'm a bit disappointed that she and I will probably not develop a friendship as a result.

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

He and I had been going out together since 2003; living together since 2004. I don't know what to do with the ring; the ring I haven't worn in two years.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

It's awkward, to say the least. Now I'm stuck at home, slightly injured (both physically and emotionally) and very lonely. I'm determined not to cry again, though. I've done quite enough of that in recent weeks and months.

I'm not quite sure what to do. Wishing I had someone to enjoy this new year with as well, but that's clearly not happening the way I would like it to. Heck, for all intents and purposes, it's not happening at all. If wishes were fishes, I'd be up to my nostrils in sushi by now.** I've grown very tired of wishing and waiting.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...

Can't even properly walk anywhere. Well, now that the ibuprofen is kicking in I could probably manage a short jaunt, but I should really try to stay off it. Maybe I'll read or something. Or figure out a way to make enough money so that I don't have to claim bankruptcy or live on the streets when I am finally kicked out on my ass.

I spent the last two months of 2009 just wishing it would end; I hope I don't have another twelve months of this. I'm honestly not sure that I could take it.

Just... too many stressors coming from too many directions, no money, no love.

When will it be my turn again?

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

I really should have wished for the lottery.

And wow, what a piss-poor choice of music this turned out to be.***

Dammit, I'm not going to cry, not going to wallow in this self-indulgent mudhole I've created for myself. Stepping away from the comp for a bit. Maybe have a glass of wine and play some sudoku or WoW**** or something.

Sorry for the emo crap I just took on your head. This, too, shall pass, I know. Writing it down here helps. Thanks for the ear (or the eye or the rss feed or whatever).

~Hugs to those who need 'em, those who want 'em, and those who don't run away quickly enough~

* In all fairness, he suggests that it just "coincidentally coincided" with his decision to "move on" to pursue his goals after the first of the year. I find it funny that I pegged her as his next gf within moments of meeting her. I hadn't realized it would be so soon.
** And man, that would really start to stink after a few hours.
*** Music a second choice when I couldn't find It Sucks to be Me from the same album... proving that it does, indeed.
**** Holy cow, I think it's been nearly a year since I've really sat down and played that. I wonder how my Guild's doing...
***** Hey, things do get better, eventually, right? This is just a test of character, right? Am I passing or failing? How will I know?

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