*smooch* (ldy) wrote,

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Wisteria and a frayed Morning Glory

If you took all the girls I knew when I was single
And brought them all together for one night
I know they’d never match my sweet imagination
And everything looks worse in black and white

They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the world’s a sunny day
Oh, yeah
I got a Nikon camera, I love to take a photograph
So mama don’t take my Kodachrome away

--Paul Simon

I just spent half an hour looking through the eight books of photos xso left here several months ago.
I took those pictures. Kodachrome says we were really happy... but I know that people rarely frown for the camera.
Oh, but I still ache for the good times regardless.

I'm learning how to be more connected with myself and the people around me. Keeping the world at arm's length all the time isn't too healthy, I think.

The downside to this is the occasional dehydration from excessive saline loss.

*wistful smile*

Mourning a relationship of any sort is never easy, I guess.

In other news, yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my Mom's death.
oc, I didn't realize it 'til today.
I had to look it up on my old website. I'm so bad with dates. Or maybe... I just had a delayed reaction.

It's a beautiful day here in upstate New York... the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the trees are budding, and the ldy is inside, teary-eyed and typpity-typing.

I'm sad because I never really gave any of my relationships the chance they deserved. I really didn't know how to let anyone in... even myself. And now that I'm learning... well, it just hurts. I'm glad I'm finally allowing myself to hurt a bit. Ignoring it and pretending it didn't exist just made it manifest itself in other ways. Which only prolonged the hurt without actually dealing with its source. Ultimately, it looks like I've chosen to deal with a vast quantity of known, relatively-comfortable hurt than a little unknown hurt.

And now I'm seeing someone 1000 miles away. Emotional distance being replaced by physical distance. But I'm not entirely ready to let him in either. Why? Fear. It always boils down to fear, doesn't it.

That's my biggest goal for this year... probably next year, too. Abolishing fear in my life. I think I've conquered most of my fears. The ones I've identified, anyway. But the ones I haven't identified, that lurk in the shadows...

Hold on; lemme grab a flashlight.

What am I so afraid of? Afraid of getting hurt? Well, not letting anyone in is just a form of hurting myself to begin with, isn't it. Afraid it might not work out? Well, so what if it doesn't? Not letting anyone in will just ensure that it doesn't. Afraid that it might work out? Yeah, maybe a little. Silly ldy.

Guessing I picked up this behaviour from me Mum. She never let anyone in, either. She radiated fear and denial. Eventually, she completely disconnected from just about everyone. My Grandma was never like that... so it seems unlikely that my Mom learned it from her. I suspect that somebody hurt me mum emotionally a long time ago. I'll never know for certain.

I could feel at the time
There was no way of knowing
Fallen leaves in the night
Who can say where they're blowing
As free as the wind
And hopefully learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning

--Roxy Music

Guessing I also learned this behaviour from not wanting to feel the pain of my parents' divorce. Dealing with that pain is, well, painful, but I'm really glad I'm doing it. I can't let it go if I refuse to acknowledge it exists, now can I.

Took a sad song of one sweet evening
I smiled and quickly turned away.
It's not easy singing sad songs
But still the easiest way I have to say.
So when you look into the sun
And see the things we haven't done --
Oh was it better then to run
Than to spend the summer crying.

--Ian Anderson; Jethro Tull

I need to let myself in before I can let anyone else in. Open up the wounded parts so that they might get some air and finally heal. Sure it'll hurt at first... but it's far preferable to gangrene.

I realize now that most of what I know about relating to the opposite sex I learned from my parents. Once I've healed up a bit, it might be best to start relearning all that from scratch, I think. Yes, indeedy.

And I think it's gonna be all right
Yeah, the worst is over now
The mornin' afternoon sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball

--The Cyrkle


It's a beautiful day! Thinking a bikeride is in order. Wanna come along?

Hugs to those who need 'em, those who want 'em, and those who don't run away quickly enough. Oh... and hugs to me and me mum, too. : )

What a reason for waiting
And dreaming of dreams.
So here's hoping you've faith in impossible schemes,
That are born in the sigh of the wind blowing by
While the dimming light brings the end to a night of loving.

--Ian Anderson; Jethro Tull

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