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Dear Self; DON'T PANIC - Ldy, the lemony, ligerish ducttaparian's Magic Treehouse of Lost Thoughts
A classy broad's life... with footnotes.
Dear Self; DON'T PANIC
*sigh* I never get picked for these things. It's like junior high kickball... but infinitely naughtier.

Ah, well. Can't complain. I'm seeing my sweetie again in a week anna day! And my boy, too!! I haven't seen him in ages. :)

I called Delta and extended my stay by a day so that I could see the boy play a gig on Sunday night. I think that's worth $100, don't you? Hell yeah.

Speaking of money, it's got me all funny.* I'm a rather conservative person, financially. That's not to say that I don't spend-- just that in my mind's eye, money equals security, and I need a little nest egg to feel safe. This long distance romance has had me dipping deep. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. And once I do move, I'm going to have to start over at a brand-new job and then it's going to take some time to get rid of P's debt.

I get a little weird thinking about it and have to remind myself that really, it is just money.


And mone¥ ¢an't buy me £ove. I mean, sure, I could fall in love with someone rich as easily as I could fall for someone poor.

But I don't think I could ever fall for anyone quite like I've fallen for P and Z :)

Tonight, P's uncle comes over to tell me what I need to do with the house. I've been putting this off for several weeks now. It's the first step in a series: tomorrow I phone the mortgage guy to find out how badly the recapture tax is going to ream me, and then Friday or Monday I need to find a realtor to discuss market conditions so that I can get a better handle on closing costs and the possibility of capital gains.

I may make money, I may lose money. Probably the latter. I'll be happy if I just have some cash when all is said and done so that I can move.

Work's been discouraging. The campaign on which I'd been working so hard fell flat on its face. My boss's memory is deteriorating, and I'm afraid his advancing age is sabotaging our business. I need to face the reality that I probably won't have a job during the move. I may call a headhunter and see if anyone in Gville wants me; perhaps such an employer would be willing to pay a portion of my moving expenses. I'd like to be able to just move, and then not have to work for a few weeks while I settle in. We'll see what happens.

And OMG. My house is STILL such a mess. And I've been working on it every day! My problem is that I'm either completely disorganized and slobboriffic, or completely organized to the nth degree. There is no middle ground. So when I go from slobbo to organized, everything's crazy for a week or two or five or 3479586241578. I've been throwing out papers and clothes like mad. The last time I moved was downright traumatic for me because I have TOO MUCH FREAKING STUFF.

Have I mentioned that I'm a total packrat? Yeah. I guess my biggest issue is security, and that's reflected positively in the way I handle my finances, and negatively in the way I hoard stuff. Yikes. I really don't want to move with so much crapola. Some has got to go-- ebay, garage sale, salvation army, garbage, whatever. I realize that the moment I get rid of that McDonald's toy from 1997 it's going to jump in value fifty times, but oh, well. Evidently, the act of throwing stuff out helps the economy ;) Lord knows the DOW could use as much help as it could get today!

Between work and home and love and this unholy war we're in, I'm totally stressed out. I've been smoking-- maybe one or two a day. I haven't bought a pack or anything, and I realize that this is a transitory state, but it still isn't good, and I know it. No lectures necessary. This, too, shall pass.

So, I'm leaving the comfort of my nest egg, my house, the city I've called home for over fifteen years and the job I've held for ten of those for a relationship that I've only explored on weekends and which offers little for me in terms of security (other than emotional security). I AM TEH SMRT. My heart knows that this is the correct path, but my mind reels. I so wish he were here to hold me.

Shit. This is all so hard for me on so many levels. I'm just hoping everyone will be patient with me during the process. I know it's right. There is no question. I've never felt like this before. But that doesn't mean it's easy. No, not by any means.

The biggest steps in our individual evolutions are often the most difficult ones. Or perhaps the fact that it's so difficult indicates that I didn't learn the lesson of freeing myself from material shackles and implied security (because it is, at best, a comforting illusion) the first eighty-two times the lesson came up. I'm not saying that having security or a lot of money is bad; merely that there is a difference in controlling one's money and being controlled by it; between riding an albatross and carrying one about on one's neck. I cannot trade my freedom for a semblance of security.

We are experiencing technical difficulties; please stand by.


* blah blah blah sunny, blah blah blah blah bunny!
** Sorry, my inner scansionist barks at the moon.

I'm feeling all kinds of: Perhaps I should eat something?
What I hear: tummy rumbling

23 tall tales or Tell me a story
From: ex_movingfor48 Date: May 12th, 2004 11:29 am (UTC) (permalink)
I'd pick you in a heartbeat, you know...
alcestis From: alcestis Date: May 12th, 2004 11:34 am (UTC) (permalink)
I love you.
muse From: muse Date: May 12th, 2004 11:42 am (UTC) (permalink)

y'know . . .

I never get picked for those things either.

I was also the last picked during grade school. I swear, if I were a PE teacher, I wouldn't let anyone pick people. We'd have them line up in a line and I'd go "1, 2, 1, 2" and all the ones would go on one side and the twos on the other. That way no one would get their feelings hurt.
her_whispers From: her_whispers Date: May 12th, 2004 11:51 am (UTC) (permalink)

Re: y'know . . .

i have long said that very same thing about the counting. i too was a sideliner - one of the last to go for dodgeball and red rover. i was too afraid of those games, too slow for capture the flag, too clumsy for everything else. i pretended i did not care, but how could it not hurt, being the last of the litter? or, in this case, the unfuckable (though now it does not hurt so much for i know that somewhere there is someone who would think of me quite otherwise).

hello, you.

From: robont Date: May 12th, 2004 11:45 am (UTC) (permalink)
C. honey... sorry to break to you.. but you've been picked this time.. several times actually
her_whispers From: her_whispers Date: May 12th, 2004 11:49 am (UTC) (permalink)
i never get picked either.

it reminds me, too, of being small and one of the last ones left in line to be picked for PE. i never was good at sports, too clumsy and thick i suppose.

it would be nice, however, to make someone's list of wants. but i know i shall not for i am the unwanted. (and also not on his friends list, though it seems all of my friends are).

i wish you all the luck and love in your transition. when you know, in your heart of hearts, that what is going on is right - it does not necessarily make the change any easier, but boy oh boy, doesn't it make it worth it?


beautyorbeast From: beautyorbeast Date: May 12th, 2004 11:52 am (UTC) (permalink)
My goodness! My head is spinning and I only have to read through what you're trying to deal with right now!

You'll handle it all sweetie. Just take it one step at a time.

*big fat squishy hugs*
corto From: corto Date: May 12th, 2004 12:03 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Oh I'd put yer name in there in a shot.
keethrax From: keethrax Date: May 12th, 2004 12:13 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Yay! Was wondering when we'd get to hear form you again.
cominguproses From: cominguproses Date: May 12th, 2004 12:30 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Three years ago in August, I packed up my 1984 Toyota with all the belongings I could, with two kids and two cats and set out across country, literally from Massachusetts to California. I told myself it was mostly for a better job, but my heart knew better.

The truth was I was moving out to satisfy my heart's desire to be with James, once and for all. To make my friend of 7 years my lover, and someday my husband.

I won't paint a completely rosey picture, the stress of moving, changing jobs, and changing my life (and his) broke us down to friend status for a good month or two. However, we both recognized the fear paralyzing us, and that we really did have this amazing love for each other.

Looking back, I don't regret anything about it. Even the trials we went through, ultimately proved to both of us how strong this love was/is and made us closer.

I hope the same, and more, for the two (three) of you.
wolffepsyche From: wolffepsyche Date: May 12th, 2004 12:35 pm (UTC) (permalink)
I know what you mean about facing the move. I'm also a packrat. when we moved into the house, 2 years ago, I got rid of a lot of stuff. now I'm moving again to be with jason and I plan on getting rid of even more. I just haven't started yet. I dread even thinking about the prospect of packing up all of my books - or heaven forbid - getting rid of a few. I have a feeling that a lot of my stuff will end up staying at (what will become) mom's house.
princessblondie From: princessblondie Date: May 12th, 2004 12:39 pm (UTC) (permalink)
I went home for lunch today, to let Princess Puppie out for a pee & whatnot. It's so gorgeous out.

I popped in our CD & drove around for 45 minutes, aimlessly in the sun, with you in my heart.

I had no idea you were feeling so tattered. I know you've got a lot on your plate, but I haven't been reading my friends page like a good little princessblondie...

You are going to be great. Seriously. I can't tell you how amazing your future is, because it's not my secret to tell. You'll get there. It's already begun.

Don't get hung up on what you don't want to do.

Just do what needs to be done, and take time when it's necessary.

Don't do any of the hard or unsure stuff alone either.

Assign a friend or a neighbor to be your "clear mind".

They will listen with unemotional ears to what the real estate people say. To what the financial people say. To what the fix-it guy says. etc. They will repeat everything back to you after the fact when your emotions may have garbled some of the incoming messages.

They will also tell you honestly what to keep & get rid of.

*why do you need this?
*when was the last time you used it?
*how much do you think this is worth?
*Can I have that?


Polish your sunglasses. It's very bright up ahead.

price From: price Date: May 12th, 2004 12:56 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Heh, that's a nifty little list. You should run one of these, simply because I'd feel odd making an entry in the list of someone I don't know. :)

I was just wondering why you hadn't posted in a while, too :)
oonie From: oonie Date: May 12th, 2004 04:14 pm (UTC) (permalink)

long time baby...long time

leap of faith and hang onto the reins!
stevenglassman From: stevenglassman Date: May 12th, 2004 05:13 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Well I'm not gonna put your name in there now, because it'll just look like I'm patronizing you. Hmph.
allyn From: allyn Date: May 12th, 2004 05:52 pm (UTC) (permalink)

never get picked

me too neither

but there are a lot of factors contributing to that (at least on my part)

i suspect you'll get picked. oh yes. i do suspect you will
inspectorjury From: inspectorjury Date: May 12th, 2004 06:59 pm (UTC) (permalink)
You've been picked. I saw to it myself.
neenerface From: neenerface Date: May 12th, 2004 07:08 pm (UTC) (permalink)
You're in my thoughts and my heart sweet lady :)
allyn From: allyn Date: May 12th, 2004 07:52 pm (UTC) (permalink)
it sounds to me like you've got a good handel on the situations at hand.
as they say, knowing is half of the battle.
and you obviously have got at least that half

problem solving...
thetech From: thetech Date: May 12th, 2004 08:02 pm (UTC) (permalink)
If I was playing the game, I'd pick ya! Absolutely ;)

[...besides, I am the one that never gets picked!]

You're right, it is "just money". You'll make it through, I think you know that already.

And don't worry, we'll be here to cheer you on :)
From: ex_oki86 Date: May 12th, 2004 09:30 pm (UTC) (permalink)
I never did either...
but I used to be too shy for those types of things.

Lol. I don't mean to laugh at your misfortune, but you sure have a fun way to look at things. It cheers me up sometimes.
hitchhiker From: hitchhiker Date: May 13th, 2004 12:24 am (UTC) (permalink)
i'd pick you (:
From: stealthgear Date: May 15th, 2004 02:21 pm (UTC) (permalink)
It sucks that your moving to the person in the relationship that needs the financial help, when it sounds like you have a pretty stable job, house, etc. It would make more sense for them to move to you, in that perspective...but thats not the only factor. The good sides, this could give you a chance to grow as a person in alot of ways that you can't see yet, get another sweet job, be with people you love, and if all goes wrong you still have your own little livejournal support group here.
23 tall tales or Tell me a story