*smooch* (ldy) wrote,

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Dear Self; DON'T PANIC

*sigh* I never get picked for these things. It's like junior high kickball... but infinitely naughtier.

Ah, well. Can't complain. I'm seeing my sweetie again in a week anna day! And my boy, too!! I haven't seen him in ages. :)

I called Delta and extended my stay by a day so that I could see the boy play a gig on Sunday night. I think that's worth $100, don't you? Hell yeah.

Speaking of money, it's got me all funny.* I'm a rather conservative person, financially. That's not to say that I don't spend-- just that in my mind's eye, money equals security, and I need a little nest egg to feel safe. This long distance romance has had me dipping deep. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. And once I do move, I'm going to have to start over at a brand-new job and then it's going to take some time to get rid of P's debt.

I get a little weird thinking about it and have to remind myself that really, it is just money.


And mone¥ ¢an't buy me £ove. I mean, sure, I could fall in love with someone rich as easily as I could fall for someone poor.

But I don't think I could ever fall for anyone quite like I've fallen for P and Z :)

Tonight, P's uncle comes over to tell me what I need to do with the house. I've been putting this off for several weeks now. It's the first step in a series: tomorrow I phone the mortgage guy to find out how badly the recapture tax is going to ream me, and then Friday or Monday I need to find a realtor to discuss market conditions so that I can get a better handle on closing costs and the possibility of capital gains.

I may make money, I may lose money. Probably the latter. I'll be happy if I just have some cash when all is said and done so that I can move.

Work's been discouraging. The campaign on which I'd been working so hard fell flat on its face. My boss's memory is deteriorating, and I'm afraid his advancing age is sabotaging our business. I need to face the reality that I probably won't have a job during the move. I may call a headhunter and see if anyone in Gville wants me; perhaps such an employer would be willing to pay a portion of my moving expenses. I'd like to be able to just move, and then not have to work for a few weeks while I settle in. We'll see what happens.

And OMG. My house is STILL such a mess. And I've been working on it every day! My problem is that I'm either completely disorganized and slobboriffic, or completely organized to the nth degree. There is no middle ground. So when I go from slobbo to organized, everything's crazy for a week or two or five or 3479586241578. I've been throwing out papers and clothes like mad. The last time I moved was downright traumatic for me because I have TOO MUCH FREAKING STUFF.

Have I mentioned that I'm a total packrat? Yeah. I guess my biggest issue is security, and that's reflected positively in the way I handle my finances, and negatively in the way I hoard stuff. Yikes. I really don't want to move with so much crapola. Some has got to go-- ebay, garage sale, salvation army, garbage, whatever. I realize that the moment I get rid of that McDonald's toy from 1997 it's going to jump in value fifty times, but oh, well. Evidently, the act of throwing stuff out helps the economy ;) Lord knows the DOW could use as much help as it could get today!

Between work and home and love and this unholy war we're in, I'm totally stressed out. I've been smoking-- maybe one or two a day. I haven't bought a pack or anything, and I realize that this is a transitory state, but it still isn't good, and I know it. No lectures necessary. This, too, shall pass.

So, I'm leaving the comfort of my nest egg, my house, the city I've called home for over fifteen years and the job I've held for ten of those for a relationship that I've only explored on weekends and which offers little for me in terms of security (other than emotional security). I AM TEH SMRT. My heart knows that this is the correct path, but my mind reels. I so wish he were here to hold me.

Shit. This is all so hard for me on so many levels. I'm just hoping everyone will be patient with me during the process. I know it's right. There is no question. I've never felt like this before. But that doesn't mean it's easy. No, not by any means.

The biggest steps in our individual evolutions are often the most difficult ones. Or perhaps the fact that it's so difficult indicates that I didn't learn the lesson of freeing myself from material shackles and implied security (because it is, at best, a comforting illusion) the first eighty-two times the lesson came up. I'm not saying that having security or a lot of money is bad; merely that there is a difference in controlling one's money and being controlled by it; between riding an albatross and carrying one about on one's neck. I cannot trade my freedom for a semblance of security.

We are experiencing technical difficulties; please stand by.


* blah blah blah sunny, blah blah blah blah bunny!
** Sorry, my inner scansionist barks at the moon.

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