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Because I share - Ldy, the lemony, ligerish ducttaparian's Magic Treehouse of Lost Thoughts
A classy broad's life... with footnotes.
ldy
ldy
Because I share
I was in hysterical tears shortly after I got home today. I thrive on stress-- to a point. But only to a point. That last unplanned bit of pernicious nonsense at work made a heavy, but doable, schedule ponderous, painful, and patently impossible.

Take it from me. Such unintentional alliteration is the reflection of a deranged mind.

I put on my coat and hovered by the door. I wanted to go to a little shopping district in town to take care of a few last gifts-- after all, my weekend is pretty much spoken for, and next week is Christmas-- but knew that if I did, I would walk to the headde* shoppe and get some cloves. Yes, I was in that bad a shape.

But I went to the shopping district anyway. And I went to the headde shoppe and picked up some cloves, and smoked one (for the shoppe is one of the last establishments left in NY where people can smoke in public) while I listened to the proprietor's story.

I hadn't seen the guy in years. He didn't seem to be doing so well. Turns out, he had been bitten by a recluse spider a few years back, and had nearly died from it. As it was, he was only now regaining the use of his leg. Like me, he is something of a workaholic, and had been very frustrated at not being able to DO. He was also concerned about this year's business-- because we'd had storms the last couple weekends, and they hadn't cleared the street (the shopping district is a pedestrian-only cobblestone street), his business was suffering quite a lot.

I listened and I listened and I listened. I learned that his little shoppe had been there since 1969. I learned some details about tobacco law. I learned quite a few things, really. And he got to get a number of things off his chest. He was in good spirits, he said, and was thankful that things were improving.

When I finally left to do my shopping, I shook his hand, wished him luck, and told him I'd say a prayer for him and his business. I then bought some nicotine-free herbal cigarettes, and asked if anyone wanted the cloves. When everybody there declined, took a couple for a rainy day and left the rest on the counter.


I'm not proud about falling apart at the seams and indulging in something I'd sworn off, especially so soon after making up my mind to give them up completely and forever, and after having publically shared that decision with the lot of you. I suppose I could simply never have mentioned my stumble, and nobody would ever pass judgement on me. But it isn't about judgement. What is, is. This is whom I am. And I'm certainly not perfect. Maya is a fetter, so why bother keeping up appearances?

If that conversation taught me anything, it is that it is important to be flexible, even and especially when one is weak. When is the lesson to be strong? When is it to be flexible? When is it something else entirely? Who says there's even a lesson?

I am not so bold or so blind to think that this grand and glorious universe exists for the sole purpose of providing me with the illusion of spiritual growth. And yet, there must be a reason why there is so much to learn here.


After our conversation, I was in better spirits myself. I went to the gifftte shoppe, and walked around the store with the wide, bright eyes of a child. I probably spent too much money, but I simply adored every small gift I purchased, laughed often, and felt like I had gotten at least a little something that each person still left on my list would appreciate.

In retrospect, I rather wished I had picked up a little something for the gent at the store. At least I gave him my business, and my time.

And I was the better for the exchange.


By the way, the herbal cigarettes taste like ass. Worse than ass, really.

Remember when you were young, and you dried banana peels and smoked them in the hopes of getting a buzz? No? Oh. Uhm, me, neither.

I bet if I did, however, ever do something as stupid as that, which of course, I never would, *cough*, the smoke from the fetid, putrid, rotting peels would taste a hundred times better than these things.

Sheesh! ;)


* Atrocious spelling intentional.

I'm feeling all kinds of: The universe doesn't exist for the sole purpose of providing me the illusion of spiritual growth
What I hear: Does it?

11 tall tales or Tell me a story
Comments
petermarcus From: petermarcus Date: December 18th, 2003 08:17 pm (UTC) (permalink)
I feel your pain (still on and off again)
ldy From: ldy Date: December 18th, 2003 09:16 pm (UTC) (permalink)
*hugs*

Thank you for the commiseration :)

I'll never touch a "regular" cigarette again. This much, at least, I know.
beautyorbeast From: beautyorbeast Date: December 18th, 2003 08:22 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Did he get bit by a reculse spider here in NY?

Hi by the way. :)
ldy From: ldy Date: December 18th, 2003 09:17 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Hi there!

I don't know. And the funny thing is, another person on my friends list mentioned something about having been bitten by a hobo spider within the last 24 hours or so. Not knowing what a hobo spider was, I did a bit of research, and found that neither they nor recluses live anywhere near here.

And yet, knowing this, I forgot to ask how he had gotten bitten!
sunshine_two From: sunshine_two Date: December 18th, 2003 08:51 pm (UTC) (permalink)
don't be so hard on yourself. Smoking is a difficult habit to give up, people have bad days, and you're only human ;)
ldy From: ldy Date: December 18th, 2003 09:25 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Thank you, uhm, Bucky ;) (man, I love that comic!)

There's a fine line between being kind to one's self and rationalizing addiction.

Is the occasional clove an enjoyable escape or a rationalization for destructive behaviour? I don't know. And since they are addictive, and I have a history of nicotine addiction, I have to lean toward the latter explanation.

I'll try to be nice to myself, though, and not beat myself up TOO badly for the stumble. At least I haven't felt to urge to indulge in non-clove cigarettes. Never ever again. They steal my soul.

Thanks again for the kind thoughts :)
thetech From: thetech Date: December 18th, 2003 10:13 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Atrocious spelling intentional? Oh. And here I thought your keyboard's keys were sticking and throwing in random ddoouubbllee letters and... uhhh... right... intentional ;)

And worry not, for we be human, after all. On this quest to be smoulder-free, you have slipped a wee bit. So be it - as you say, what is, is. Begin again, resist its temptation as best you can. For we be human, yes, but we also be tenacious and stubbon, too :)

*ponder* And how, exactly, does one characterize "taste like ass"? How do you know what ass tastes like?? hehe ;)
inspectorjury From: inspectorjury Date: December 19th, 2003 05:30 am (UTC) (permalink)
You know me. You've heard me breathe. But, I'm here to tell you that smokers are unusual creatures. If you really wanna quit you will. Cause you'll go to a doctor and get the help you need to quit. It's hard to do. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I still want them and I quit over four years ago. Don't beat yourself up over not quitting. It takes time and lots of failing before you get it done. The important part is you are trying.
ldy From: ldy Date: December 19th, 2003 11:08 am (UTC) (permalink)
I went to a pharmacist and got the help I needed-- that's why I still have a quitmeter on my userinfo page (even though I've been doing the occasional clove). I smoked over a pack a day for over twenty years, and stopped last June. :)

I just feel bad because I've been smoking a clove once in awhile, and had decided, just yesterday, to quit those, too.

It's more of a bruise to my ego than anything else at this point. Even my doctor didn't seem concerned about the once-in-awhile indulgence.

However, next week, at my six month point of having quit smoking regularly, I will also have quit the once-in-awhile cloves as well. And any time I want one, I will think of you and send you good thoughts instead :) *hugs!!*

Thank you for the encouragement-- I really appreciate it!
From: (Anonymous) Date: December 19th, 2003 06:06 am (UTC) (permalink)

smoking

As a former smoker (quit 20+ years ago) I can attest to the fact that the desire never quite leaves you. It is one truly addictive habit, and even after this long, I must tell you that if I had friends smoking TODAY, I would fall off the wagon. The only way for me to survive was to avoid smokers.

Good luck!
elysiangirl From: elysiangirl Date: December 19th, 2003 06:57 am (UTC) (permalink)
hey, you fall off, you get back on. it's all good. at least you have the motivation and determination.

you'll do it baby, when the time is right they'll be gone forever. i believe in you.
11 tall tales or Tell me a story