*smooch* (ldy) wrote,

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It's very difficult to keep the line between the past and the present

I've been freaking out just a little bit.

P wants me to move and I'm not moving quickly enough.
Work is crazy, and showing signs of imminent decline.
I'm on the verge of tears today.
Please tread lightly around me.
Thank you :)

I'm not doing cards (AGAIN) this year. I'm sorry. It just ain't gonna happen. I'd love to get a few, though. I think I hit all the "would you like a card" polls. If I missed yours, please tell me. Sometimes I get so busy that I miss a few posts on my friends page. If you don't want to send because I can't reciprocate, that's OK, too :)

I'd really like to do cards and hang stockings and have a tree and a white Christmas. But I'll be in Florida, and it really doesn't make any sense for me to decorate and have a tree when I'm going to be out of town for Christmas, and tied up with shows otherwise. I might decorate a little bit, just to soothe my troubled soul. Cards will help too, I think.

Am I a freak for feeling sad that I'm leaving a home I fell in love with and bought, and a job I've been at for ten years? Both are falling apart. It's not as though I'm not moving towards something better. *sigh* I am forever Lot's wife, looking backwards. Some of you laugh at that, I know.

At least I'll still have the lot of you with me whenever and wherever I may go.

Perhaps I've emotionally attached myself to the wrong things. Or maybe I'm just tired. I think I'm tired. And overburdened. I already have a rapidly-lengthening list of things I have to do when I get home today. As much as I'd like to drive back out to Boston to see P tonight, I don't think it's feasible. So close and yet so far.

I don't like being so high up in the air without a net. There's nothing firm, nothing conclusive about moving. I guess I'm concerned about money, too. I've always planned and struggled and fought very hard to make sure I lived well within my means. I may not be able to do that for at least a little while, and the thought of that really grates my cheese.

M will be going in for her surgeries soon. Another thought that pains me. Hopefully, though, they will give her some relief and not worsen things. I hope I will have enough time to tend to her needs while she recovers.

I don't know where to start with things.

Yes I do.

I have to remember to breathe.

My boss just bought me a poinsettia.

But beware my heart can be a pin / A sharp silver dragonfly
Trying to get my mansions green / After I've Grey Gardens seen

In betweeen tonight and my tomorrows / Tadzio where have you been
In between tonight I know it's Tadzio / Tadzio don't you fight

Honey can you hear me / In between been dragging a dragonfly
Trying to get my mansions green / After I've Grey Gardens seen

Honey won't you hold me tight / Get me through Grey Gardens tonight

It's snowing outside, but they are small little balls of dippin' dot cold; faux snow manufactured by an overburdened heaven expressly for this nostalgic moment. Don't get me wrong-- I'm not terribly upset or anything; just a quasi-tragic ball of suffering, of less-than-gothic proportion.

Oh, woe is me, she who is blessed beyond compare *hand-to-forehead* I'll get over myself eventually. Until then, bear with me. We are experiencing technical difficulties. Perhaps I just need a good solid cry.

P just called me. I love him so much. He has such perfect timing, and always knows how to make things better. How does he do that?

Oh, the hours we are separate / 11:11 is the precious time we wasted
So pack up your bleeding heart / And put away your posies
I don't want to have a drink / Or play ring around the rosie with you
Oh no, no

In other news, I had a great time in Boston and points south, I truly did. I'll catch up with all that at another time. I've much work ahead of me yet today.

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