Oh, my dear lord-- this is a RIOT.

FADE IN.

EXT. A ROAD

JULIA ROBERTS and LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN are driving along in JULIA ROBERTS's car.

JULIA ROBERTS

Gosh, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN, there really is nothing like a Sunday afternoon drive, is there? Just you and me out on the road with the wind in our hair and not a care in the world. Why, at this moment I don't even care that I am single and alone.

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

I've been involved in a truly inspiring story about a woman of extraordinary courage.

JULIA ROBERTS nods agreeably.

JULIA ROBERTS

That's very true. Could life be any more perfect?

Suddenly, BILLY CRYSTAL runs out in front of them, causing JULIA ROBERTS to hurriedly slam on the brakes.

JULIA ROBERTS

(yelling)

Hey, buster. Why don't you watch where you're going! You could have really badly dented my car!!

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

(yelling also)

Mind you, the food, when it did arrive, was really quite good.

BILLY CRYSTAL

I'm sorry, JULIA ROBERTS. I don't have time to explain my dangerous behaviour. I am in too much of a mysterious hurry.

He hurries off mysteriously.

JULIA ROBERTS

Well, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN. He's certainly very rude and mysterious. I will take an instant dislike to him.

CUT TO.

INT. CONFERENCE HALL

THE NEXT DAY

JULIA ROBERTS and LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN are both at a conference.

JULIA ROBERTS

I don't believe it, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN! It's that horrible man I instantly disliked. (Gasps) Oh no, he's coming this way. What should I say to him?

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

Five days from now, I'll finally get to see the boy play out.

JULIA ROBERTS

I'm not sure that's quite appropriate.

BILLY CRYSTAL wanders up sheepishly.

BILLY CRYSTAL

Hello, JULIA ROBERTS. We meet again.

JULIA ROBERTS

Go away, BILLY CRYSTAL. Don't you know that I took an instant dislike to you?

BILLY CRYSTAL

(whispering to LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN)

What can I say to make her love me?

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

(whispering back)

My writing in this journal has gone from semi-interesting and informational to blahblahblah.

BILLY CRYSTAL shrugs and dutifully whispers this in JULIA ROBERTS's ear

JULIA ROBERTS

(swooning)

I love you, BILLY CRYSTAL

FADE TO.

INT. MASSAGE PARLOUR.

JULIA ROBERTS and LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN are receiving massages and talking.

JULIA ROBERTS

BILLY CRYSTAL and I stayed up all night last night just talking. It turns out that we're both enormous fans of Jon Bon Jovi. I feel like I'm in that beautiful Shakespearean love sonnet. You know the one, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

I have rehearsal tomorrow, a "take-back-the-karaoke" birthday party on Tuesday, and heavenknowswhat on Wednesday.

JULIA ROBERTS

No, not that one. The other one. Oh, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN, BILLY CRYSTAL makes my heart swoon so.

The masseurs start pounding their backs.

JULIA ROBERTS

Oh. That feels good. (pauses) Gee, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN, I have never felt this way about a man before. Do you have any advice for me?

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

He's got damned fine Writers, and a really sharp music director.

JULIA ROBERTS

I hope you're right, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN I'll keep that in mind.

FADE TO.

EXT. A PARK BENCH

JULIA ROBERTS is crying. LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN is consoling her.

JULIA ROBERTS

I can't believe we accidentally saw BILLY CRYSTAL out with another woman! I thought he loved me. You were closest to the two of them, what was he saying to her?

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

And I would normally not even consider them for prophylactic use.

JULIA ROBERTS bursts into renewed tears. BILLY CRYSTAL comes running up to them.

JULIA ROBERTS

I don't want to talk to you, BILLY CRYSTAL. I heard what you were saying to that horrible other woman.

BILLY CRYSTAL

But JULIA ROBERTS, this is all a ghastly misunderstanding of some kind.

JULIA ROBERTS

Leave me alone. I have a broken heart.

BILLY CRYSTAL

I guess I will take that job in that other country then.

BILLY CRYSTAL leaves

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

This is kinda funny, since I'm usually the granola-eating, tree-hugging, natural-medicine-espousing, body-listening one.

JULIA ROBERTS

Thank you, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN. That's just what I needed to hear now that I have a broken heart. No wonder you are my best friend.

CUT TO.

EXT. A ROAD

JULIA ROBERTS and LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN are driving as fast as they can in JULIA ROBERTS's car.

JULIA ROBERTS

Oh, why won't this car go any faster? We have to get to the next train station in time to intercept BILLY CRYSTAL before he leaves forever.

She accelerates.

JULIA ROBERTS

If only I'd got his letter that explained how our breaking up was all just a ghastly misunderstanding sooner. Read me the PS again, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

(reading)

Perhaps this is merely a case of the wrong window blues.

JULIA ROBERTS

I still don't understand what he meant by that.

They drive faater and faster and eventually make it to the train station in time. They rush onto the train and find BILLY CRYSTAL.

JULIA ROBERTS

Oh, BILLY CRYSTAL please don't go away forever. I got your letter which eplained the ghastly misunderstanding. I now understand why you did what you did. And... I love you.

BILLY CRYSTAL

And I love you, JULIA ROBERTS

They kiss. They are in love.

LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN

The best thing I ever learned to do was to not take myself too seriously.

BILLY CRYSTAL and JULIA ROBERTS

You said it, LDY, THE LEMONY, LIGERISH DUCTTAPARIAN. You said it.

THE END