I feel FAT. Painfully fat. I usually weigh 110-130. Am currently over 145. Ugh. I'm small, and small boned, so extra weight really hangs on me. I know, I know, there are plenty of people out there with REAL weight and image problems. I've been much worse off myself, I know. However, my current state has no bearing on that. My clothes no longer fit and I'm just plain old unhappy with my current physical attributes. This is all about me, baby, and no amount of feeling bad for other people will make me feel better about this.
I'm also stressed, particularly about living with P. I'm a free spirit easing into this concept, and he's one of those planner types trying to get everything set as soon as possible. Makes me want to hide under the covers. It's not his fault. We just approach things differently. I'm happy he's good with planning stuff.
I want some attention right now, but he has things to do. That's fine. I don't want to impinge on his time with Z or with friends. I never like to admit when I'm feeling needy anyway.
I didn't each lunch today. Bad ldy.
I just had some cereal because I couldn't bear to eat a "real" meal. That fat thing again.
I'm feeling indecisive, undesirable and childish. And not in that good way.
How much of this is detoxing from the cigarettes? 20+ years is a longass time. My cells must be loaded with heavy metals. (*headbangs* --oh, not that kind. Bummer.)
How much of this is from switching forms of OBC? This current one uses a lower dose of a different type (third generation) of synthetic estrogen. Either it just isn't working for me, or it IS working for me, and these mood swings are closer to my natural state. I've no way of knowing, really.
How much of this is from stress? I worked really late today, and still barely managed to get enough done. And while the stuff that's on my mind relationship-wise isn't negative, it is still stressful. So's My Life in General.
How much of this is seasonal? The days are getting shorter and it's getting freaking cold out. Am I prepared for winter? Ha. Aside from the fat-storage thing, I think not.
Sometimes I feel very androgynous. Right now, I feel very male. I just want to analyze it, understand it and fix it. Make it, me, work again.
The woman in me laughs in scorn.
The little girl in me just want to get under the covers and not come out 'til spring. Just curl into a little ball and cry. And really, I've no right. I've got SUCH a good life.
It'll pass. I know it will. It just sucks right now.
Theoretically I should be either at a wake, buying a birthday present, checking my camping gear for this weekend (so much for painting) :(, or singing at karaoke... but I think I'll download GNU solfege instead, and work on ear training.
Then I will learn my song for Haunted Albany.
And now for something completely different:
Pretty and nice, bananas and things...You are Ms.
Bow, from the trees you swing.
Which of Lisa's Bored at Work Masterpieces Are You?
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Without the Atitude
OK, I took a break to throw in some laundry and starting singing "Crazy" by Patsy Cline, because I noticed that I had a karaoke version of it on my playlist. It's a wonderfully sad, mournful tune and just perfect for my state of mind. Patsy Cline is a "comfort food" music of mine.
Then the phone rang.
Two very wonderful boys serenaded me with Beatles songs and bad jokes. The younger one said we'd bonded, and weren't even living together yet-- and Dad had better watch out when we did. Though our bonding would work to his benefit at birthdays and stuff, because we'd be good at picking stuff out together.
I switched the laundry, and we all razzed each other about nothing at all, just enjoying the good-natured giggles. I was in the car driving home with them, and they were helping me hang things up to dry. And singing. Loudly. Somewhere along the way, my melancholy got thrown in the wash. I haven't seen it since.
Somehow, this is seeming managable again.
How the heck does he do that? Read my mind, I mean? Have this perfect timing thing going on? How?
You were upset before. Is everything OK? OK. I just wanted to make sure. Because you mentioned something about being bummed earlier, and I wanted to be attentive. Could you deal with a lifetime of someone being that attentive to your needs? I won't always be perfect. I'll often fail. But never for lack of desire to do the right thing. You can count on that.
That's the thing. I know that I can.
I don't feel as heavy now. Nothing feels as heavy now. The source of my stress is seemingly its own answer.
My sweetie's telling me right now about how exciting the next four years are going to be. All the things we'll do.
I'm going to stop typing, be 100% attentive and tell that man just how amazing he is :)