I didn't realize anything was wrong until last night at Jocomo.
I was boogying my ass off and having a grand time, but everyone kept asking me if I was OK.
Maybe I'm not.
I don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything.
I really should have mowed my grass today. I didn't. Didn't mow it last week, either.
I really should have weeded the yard today. I didn't. It's not like I ever sit out there anyway.
I really should have painted my living room today. I didn't. I've been planning to since... May?
I really should have gone to Larkfest today. Friends were there. I didn't. I never do, though.
I really should have finished some photo-editing work for workwork today. I didn't. Maybe tomorrow.
I really should have ridden my bike today. I didn't. I haven't ridden it in two years, but I've thought of it every day for a month.
I really should have cleaned my bathroom today. I didn't. At least the caulking I did the other night is holding nicely.
I really should have stained the sills in the livingroom today. I didn't. I don't even know what colour to stain them.
I really should have replaced the windows in the basement today. I didn't. They're still rotting.
I really should have fixed the problem with the wiring today. I didn't. It's been over a year now.
I really should have done something today. I didn't. I just didn't.
I'm usually very anti the shouldawouldacoulda. But I should have done SOMETHING today.
And I shouldn't be this apathetic and sad. It's not like me. Thinking, perhaps, that I'm just lonely today.
It's OK to have sad lonely days, right? Of course it is.
My concern is that I'm not getting anything done in the big picture. This is a longer term lonliness.
I miss having M here. And I don't like that my bf is 1200 miles away.
I don't like that I have so much to do all by myself.
I don't like that I'm not doing any of it.
I don't like that I may have to move again so soon.
I don't like much of anything right now.
That's a lie. There are plenty of things that I like.
I'm just not remembering any of them at the moment.
Soon, I will go to improv.
Things will improve. I will have fun and I will make people laugh.
Improve is just improv with an e at the end.
Amazing what an e at the end can do.
This is the second Saturday I've felt this way. I'm wondering why.
The second Saturday in awhile I've had clear to get things accomplished.
The second Saturday I've gotten nothing done.
Perhaps I'm just best off not living alone.
11 weeks and still counting for some strange reason.