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bluecat - Ldy, the lemony, ligerish ducttaparian's Magic Treehouse of Lost Thoughts
A classy broad's life... with footnotes.
Apparently, I am depressed.

I didn't realize anything was wrong until last night at Jocomo.

I was boogying my ass off and having a grand time, but everyone kept asking me if I was OK.

Maybe I'm not.

I don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything.

I really should have mowed my grass today. I didn't. Didn't mow it last week, either.

I really should have weeded the yard today. I didn't. It's not like I ever sit out there anyway.

I really should have painted my living room today. I didn't. I've been planning to since... May?

I really should have gone to Larkfest today. Friends were there. I didn't. I never do, though.

I really should have finished some photo-editing work for workwork today. I didn't. Maybe tomorrow.

I really should have ridden my bike today. I didn't. I haven't ridden it in two years, but I've thought of it every day for a month.

I really should have cleaned my bathroom today. I didn't. At least the caulking I did the other night is holding nicely.

I really should have stained the sills in the livingroom today. I didn't. I don't even know what colour to stain them.

I really should have replaced the windows in the basement today. I didn't. They're still rotting.

I really should have fixed the problem with the wiring today. I didn't. It's been over a year now.

I really should have done something today. I didn't. I just didn't.

I'm usually very anti the shouldawouldacoulda. But I should have done SOMETHING today.

And I shouldn't be this apathetic and sad. It's not like me. Thinking, perhaps, that I'm just lonely today.

It's OK to have sad lonely days, right? Of course it is.

My concern is that I'm not getting anything done in the big picture. This is a longer term lonliness.

I miss having M here. And I don't like that my bf is 1200 miles away.

I don't like that I have so much to do all by myself.

I don't like that I'm not doing any of it.

I don't like that I may have to move again so soon.

I don't like much of anything right now.

That's a lie. There are plenty of things that I like.

I'm just not remembering any of them at the moment.

Soon, I will go to improv.

Things will improve. I will have fun and I will make people laugh.

Improve is just improv with an e at the end.

Amazing what an e at the end can do.

This is the second Saturday I've felt this way. I'm wondering why.

The second Saturday in awhile I've had clear to get things accomplished.

The second Saturday I've gotten nothing done.

Perhaps I'm just best off not living alone.

11 weeks and still counting for some strange reason.

I'm feeling all kinds of: sad sad
What I hear: On the happy side of things, I have a fat cat on my leg :)

35 tall tales or Tell me a story
From: thedreamingtree Date: September 13th, 2003 02:25 pm (UTC) (permalink)
You are allowed to be lazy sometimes ya know. Just don't follow my footsteps. <3
ldy From: ldy Date: September 14th, 2003 07:50 pm (UTC) (permalink)
*hugs* Thanks. Sometimes I forget.
frostbyte From: frostbyte Date: September 13th, 2003 02:40 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Everyone's allowed to have some time when they're just feeling down... I don't know anyone who's up and bubbly all the time. And I think it's pretty obvious you're definitely a smitten kitten...

So, in lieu of anything more useful, *hugs* and a tweak of your nose, and a promise that things will get better...
ldy From: ldy Date: September 14th, 2003 07:59 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Hee, thank you. I seem in much better spirits today, for certain... and I'm sure the nose-tweak had something to do with it :) *hugs!*
oonie From: oonie Date: September 13th, 2003 02:43 pm (UTC) (permalink)
there, you have smooched today.
ldy From: ldy Date: September 16th, 2003 07:55 am (UTC) (permalink)
Hee; thank you, luv!
cafemusique From: cafemusique Date: September 13th, 2003 02:56 pm (UTC) (permalink)

There are all manner of things I could say here...but, if you're anything like me, they wouldn't help. Hope things get better for you soon. And, even though we haven't spoken, if you need an "ear"...
ldy From: ldy Date: September 16th, 2003 07:55 am (UTC) (permalink)
Aww, thanks so much :)

Feeling much better-- I'm sure the virtual hugs helped!
scottobear From: scottobear Date: September 13th, 2003 03:06 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Good job, Max.. help make her see some good stuff. :)
ldy From: ldy Date: September 16th, 2003 07:56 am (UTC) (permalink)
Max ROCKS. I don't know what I did on a cosmic level to warrant having my own furry therapistdoctorfriendcat, but I'm glad I have 'im around!
From: insecuritiesinc Date: September 13th, 2003 03:32 pm (UTC) (permalink)

now, I'm depressed, but I haven't done anything either! ;)
ldy From: ldy Date: September 17th, 2003 09:48 am (UTC) (permalink)
I hope you're cheerier by now!

And I love that icon. It has a certain angsty 80s eloquence about it. Beautiful use of contrast, too.
rhiannonstone From: rhiannonstone Date: September 13th, 2003 04:46 pm (UTC) (permalink)
I think you're perfectly allowed, dear, to take a week or two for yourself and do not a single goddamn "reponsible" thing. If it goes on for more than a few weeks and you're not taking the lazy-time to enjoy yourself, though, I will worry and suggest you look into what might be going on inside your pretty little head. But for the moment, throw it all to the wind and take advantage of your lack of motivation by lying about in your jammies, catching up on reading, snuggling the kitty, eating trashy junk food, phoning your sweetie, taking bubble baths, and just generally being comfortably slobby. And if you need anything I can help you with, you know a dozen ways to get ahold of me, so feel free to. *hugs to you because you didn't run away quickly enough*
ldy From: ldy Date: September 17th, 2003 09:50 am (UTC) (permalink)
I luff you :)

I think part of the problem is my OBC, which I changed nearly a year ago. I did a lot of research on it, and the symptoms I'm experiencing are fairly common-- and usually disappear after the first 9-to-12 months. I'm giving it another month, then switching back to the old one if the situation doesn't change.

In the meantime, I'm taking your prescription, Doctor Love.
jenont From: jenont Date: September 13th, 2003 05:40 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Just know that you are loved.. no matter what mood your in, no matter what you've done, and every day your thought of by one or more people.

And just think "To kick yourself for feeling bad when you think you should be feeling good is just adding insult to injury." to borrow from serendipity's advice to Ly. We are all allowed some days that we think the world is shit and we're shit in it.


48 more days! ;)

serendipity From: serendipity Date: September 13th, 2003 07:59 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Hey, thanks, I thought that quote sounded familiar! ;) And, yes, it's true for m'Ldy as it is for m'Ly!

cracked_helmet From: cracked_helmet Date: September 13th, 2003 06:23 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Kisses and hugs and all that jazz, C. It's really truly ok to give yourself a break, and I hope you feel better soon.
ldy From: ldy Date: September 17th, 2003 09:57 am (UTC) (permalink)
*hugs and kisses*

Thanks, sweetie. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them to slow down and take care of themselves-- but me, me I keep pushing.

Thanks for the reminder :)
serendipity From: serendipity Date: September 13th, 2003 08:02 pm (UTC) (permalink)
Maybe your hormones or serotonin levels are messed up. It certainly happens to the best of us. Plus your body/brain could still be weirding out over the lack of nicotine. That's some powerful stuff, you know!

As others have already suggested, it's ok to be low sometimes, really it is. Not fun, but acceptable. Take a break, be kind to yourself, ok?
ldy From: ldy Date: September 17th, 2003 10:00 am (UTC) (permalink)
I think part of the problem is my OBC (which everybody in the profession seems to LOVE for no reason I can fathom), which I changed to nearly a year ago. I did a lot of research on it, and the symptoms I'm experiencing are fairly common-- and usually disappear after the first 9-to-12 months. I'm giving it another month, then switching back to the old one if the situation doesn't change.

I think it's very likely that I'll switch back. I recently read something about an increased incidence of thrombosis from using this new OBC, and I definitely want to investigate those claims further.

Thanks for the breaktaking advice-- I'm definitely taking you up on it!
duhneese From: duhneese Date: September 13th, 2003 11:10 pm (UTC) (permalink)
i think you're missing your poet...
From: ex_movingfor48 Date: September 14th, 2003 12:18 am (UTC) (permalink)
love you...
From: thisquietlife Date: September 14th, 2003 10:09 am (UTC) (permalink)
Hey, if it's a "blank spot" in life, that's cool.

Sometimes your psyche just makes you rest. It's a self-preservation maneuver.

If life in its entirety has become a blank spot, then Houston, we have a problem.

I could be wrong...

...but you always seem so busy to me, so active.

So I would call it a "blank spot," a place where your subconscious makes you put your a*s on the sofa for a day.

On the other hand...

...there have been times in my life when I kept busy to avoid issues with which I wasn't yet ready to cope. The issues were still there, in the background, even though I was not yet prepared to sort through them.

That would occasionally put my butt on the sofa for a day or two.

Only you know- but hey, you are obviously turning and facing the situation, ergo above post.

Here's hoping you feel better soon, and if not, then pick one task and whallop the sh*t out of it.

"Take THAT, window sills!"

Then, of course, you will be King. :)
35 tall tales or Tell me a story