I have one of those water purifier pitcher thingies. I've used it for years, and I likes it a lot.
Many moons ago, I picked up some Brita replacement filters.
Unfortunately for me, I have a Pur brand water pitcher, which is incompatible with Brita filters. My pitcher has a little plastic doodad that sticks out and allows water to seep down the side of the alien filter, thus rendering it impotent. Whoops.
I've been meaning to rectify this situation, but haven't found Pur filters in my travels; perhaps because I've long since forgotten to look for them.
So, for many moons, I've basically been pouring tap water into the Pur water purifier pitcher thingy, and drinking tap water out of the Pur water purifier pitcher thingy.
Tuesday, I finally decided to get a Pur filter and drink pure water again. Here it should be noted that once I got the idea of having pure water again, tap water just wouldn't do. So I hit Amazon.
They had them! However, their earliest shipping date was Tuesday of next week. Remember what I just said about tap water just a moment ago? Tuesday of next week wouldn't do! I took a peek at Target's website; they carried the elusive Pur water filter replacements. It stood to reason that they probably had them locally, as well. They cost more (quite a bit more than Amazon, and quite a LOT more than Brita filters), but I had water on the brain and there was no reasoning with me.
So, today, I went to Target.
I hate Target.
OK, I don't really hate Target, or at least, I didn't when I initially arrived there. I just wasn't fond of it.
I picked up a couple things and walked the entire store looking for water pitcher replacement filters.
I finally encountered a store employee.
"Hmmmmmmmmm!" she said, enthusiastically. "Well. Water pitcher repacement filters? Like Brita? I don't think we carry those!"
I asked her where they would put them if they were to theoretically carry them.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!" she said again, enthusiastically.
Her enthusiasm was not of the bubbly, exuberant sort. Oh, no. She spoke with the enthusiasm of someone who had cornered the market on information. I'm sure you know the type; you probably had one as a teacher once, or a babysitter. She Knew All, and would condescendingly mete it out to those worthy of her considerable knowledge.
I hoped I measured up.
"Well, they wouldn't be in... no. And they definitely wouldn't be in..."
Then she stopped talking, deep in thought.
She stopped talking for a full three minutes.
Three minutes doesn't sound like a long time, unless you're either A.) waiting to use the bathroom, or B.) listening to a Target employee who is enthusiastically not talking to you under the pretense of assisting you by giving you further information.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
"Well, they're definitely not in... no."
Glad you cleared that up for me. Again.
*later that same evening*
"If they're anywhere at all, they'd be in Home Improvements. Yup! Home Improvements is the only place they could possibly be! But I don't think we carry them!"
My goodness! You startled me! I'd forgotten you were ruminating on my question and was just now wondering why I was apparently loitering in a Target on a Thursday afternoon! Good thing you said something!
Home Improvements. Now, who the heck would consider replacement water pitcher filters a home improvement?! Well, whom am I to question the wisdom of Target's midnight store stockers.
So I searched high and low in Home Improvements. As you can probably guess, there were exactly no water pitcher replacement filters in Home Improvements.
By this time, I was feeling pretty frustrated. I put down the bike pump I'd been carrying around with me all this time, secretly and spitefully hoping that Hmmm would have to put it back. I imagined her putting it back in the shoe section, between the crockpots and the condoms.
As I walked past Small Appliances (a subset of the Home section), something caught my eye. No. Could it be?!
YES! My precious replacement filters! Come to momma!
I snagged one and headed back toward the register. I saw Hmmm and had to share my find. "Look." I said, proferring the filter.
"OMG! Home Improvements, right?!" she positively beamed with self-satisfaction.
"No, they were, in fact, nowhere near Home Improvements," I retorted. "They were in Home."
"Home Improvements, right?"
I was beginning to wonder if she were some sort of replicant.
"No," I replied, "Home. Just Home. Next to Small Appliances? Hoooome." I felt like E.T.
"No!" she exclaimed.
"Yes!" I countered. Did she really think I was lying about the mysterious yet sensible stocking of water pitcher replacement filters in Home instead of Home Improvement?
"Oh! That's really great that you told me that! Wow." She erased me from her memory and resumed her stocking.
And then I crammed the water filter down her throat until she died.
I was in a very bad mood by this point. But I had miles to go before I rested. I picked up a bunch of things at Lowe's (Home Improvement store, funny enough; I'm laughing so hard, ha ha!) and came home and taped and stained my window-sills.
Then I opened up my precious water pitcher replacement filter and attended to the ritual ablutions involved in its cleansing.
I put the freshly soaked and rinsed filter into the pitcher.
The same doodad that had prevented the Brita filters from fitting snugly into the Pur pitcher also prevented the Pur water pitcher replacement filter from fitting snugly into the Pur pitcher.
I looked over at the box the filter had come in. It boasted, right on the front: "works in ALL Pur water pitchers!"
The packaging mocked me. It mocked me! I was really regretting not having left it in Hmmm's gullet now.
Since It was too late to go back to Target and kill Hmmm for sweet release, I did what any sane person would do if put in a similar situation: I grabbed a drywall saw and went at the doodad with a vengeance.
Sadly, it didn't work. Not surprising, since the offending doodad was neither dry nor a wall. Undaunted, I grabbed wire cutters and went at the doodad with a vengeance.
Unsurprisingly, they didn't work either, for reasons that should be self-evident.
At that moment, my vengeance still unabated and my prospects of pure water satisfaction rapidly dwindling, I had a sudden
drug-related flashback reminiscence of my adolescence.
When I was much younger, I used to watch a lot of UHF. For those of you a bit younger than I, UHF was often-horrible local programming inflicted on a then-cableless nation.
Some programs, however, were decent. I liked Uncle Floyd a lot. A whole lot. And Speed Racer, too. And the music-videos-you-didn't-have-to-wait-'til-Friday-night-for.
And oh, those wonderful commercials! I'm sure the PTSD doesn't do them justice.
I remembered one commercial in particular. One about
Slim Whitman. Boxcar Willie. a knife that could cut bricks and still slice a tomato paper thin.
Why hadn't I thought of this miracle knife before?!
What, you don't have a handy dandy Ginsu knife? Pfft. You don't know what you're missing.
I grabbed my trusty Ginsu knife and lopped off the offending doohickey just like that. I didn't even need my vengeance! Rather disappointing, that.
I popped the filter into the pitcher, easy as pie.
My water pitcher now works like a charm. It probably works with the Brita replacements now, too. I don't know why I didn't remove the proprietary dongle doodad years ago.
But damn, does this thing ever take a long time to filter water.
I'm considering poking a hole in it.