November 24th, 2003

8 ball

I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit irish, A little bit tower of pisa whenever i see ya

Rufus Wainwright was wonderful. Actually, he started losing his voice, and had to mouth some of the words to Natasha and another song... but he was wonderful anyway, which says something for his showmanship and likeability.

The song that I'd mentioned the other day was one I'd downloaded in September (sorry-- I don't recall who posted the link! Thanks shazam), Oh, What a World-- he did it tonight, and in grand style. Everyone on stage melted at the end (really: think Wicked Witch of the West) and the entire audience stood. It was only one of two songs I recognized, since his world intersected mine only very recently.

Why am I always on a plane or a fast train / Oh what a world my parents gave me / Always traveling but not in love

I'm always travelling, too, but at least I am in love. There's something to be said for that. There's a lot to be said for that, really. Everything.

My phone's on vibrate for you / Electroclash is karaoke too / I try to dance Britney Spears / I guess I'm getting on in years

Always travelling, always on the phone with a faraway love. I was surprised at how poignant and personal some of these songs were. They touched me. In ways I didn't expect.

I, too, am definitely getting on in years. One would think I'd have hit seven by now.

I'm not twenty anymore. I feel like I'm being pulled in ten directions at once. So many people want something from me. So many expect things of me. I've grown predicatable in my old age. Well, nearly predictable. Responsible and dependable. Close enough.

I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve. When this song ends, a new act begins. I don't know my lines, but that hasn't stopped me yet.

Cigarettes and chocolate milk / These are just a couple of my cravings / Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger / A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

There were days I could live on cigarettes and chocolate milk. I'm pretty certain there were days I actually did. I've given up the first (minus the Sometimes Cloves), and I'm becoming aware that the second stops right at my hips these days. So I'm having to live a little bit kinder. Kinder to myself. Kinder in general. Is it any coincidence the word means children in German?

I'm living a more balanced life. I'd probably be very happy just sitting in front of my computer eighteen hours a day, in brilliant paranoia (there is something, I think, about computers that eventually leads one to a rather healthy and delicious state of paranoia), discovering new things and new ways to think. Yes, I could easily do that. But somewhere along the way, I decided to pursue a career.Two, really. And several very satifying hobbies. And a home. And a social life. And so much more.

Balance is good, no?

You got to keep in the game / Retaining mystique while facing forward / I suggest a reading of lesson in tightropes / Or surfing your high hopes or adios kansas

I'm learning to fly by the seat of my pants. Living life on the highwire, without a net. Sometimes I just want to sit the fuck down.

Balancing is a pain in the ass sometimes.

I want life a little bit slower here, a little bit faster here, wanting wanting things I can't possibly have.

Want want want. Want is the path to suffering. But wanting directs our choices. So you can't have much of a life without want. Perhaps life itself is suffering. What happens when we become happy with that?

I don't want to make it rain / I just want to make it simple / I don't want to see the light / I just want to see the flashlight / I don't want to know the answers / To any of your questions / I don't want, no I really don't want

I don't want, no I really don't want / To be John Lithgow or Jane Curtain / But I'll settle for love / Yeah, I'll settle for love

I'm whatever age I am now and unmarried because I refused to settle. Refuse to settle for anything but Love.

Now that I've found it, now what? Everything changes. I was settling for everything else in the meantime.

I need these pretty things, around the planets of our phase / Everything's a sign of my astrology / From where you are, to where I am now

Is because I am following my bliss instead of following my wants, that patterns increase and grow ever more distinct everywhere I go?

Or am I simply becoming better at seeing patterns where none truly exist in order to try to make sense of a senseless world?

Oh, like any of this makes any sense at all.

Descartes said something about imagination and the senses being the opposite of reason. But without senses, there is no reason. Without reason, there is no sense.

English is a very funny language. I can't make bloody sense of it.

So I knock on the door / Take a step that is new / Never been here before / Is there anyone else here too / In love with beauty / Playing all of the games / Who thinks three's company / Is there anyone else who wears slightly mysterious bruises / I don't know what it is

I don't know what it is. I'm not sure what it is I'm even trying to say here.

Everything is changing for me. Everything is changing more rapidly than I ever could have expected. Interesting new bits of information are popping up everywhere I look. Which changed first, me or the world? It's hard to keep my perspective in these shifting environs. Sometimes I forget whom I am.

Whom am I, anyway? Does it matter? In the larger scheme of things, I'm not important at all. Just another machine for producing CO2.

I only gain importance from the perspective of those I've touched.

Maybe that's enough. Maybe that's all there really is.

Perhaps that makes a kind(er) of sense.

I'm babbling. Seriously. Ignore every word of this. I promise to be more sensible next time. Or more imaginative. Or more reasonable.

But for now, I'm going to sleep. Someone stay up and make sense of the world while I'm gone, k?

I'll be offline for the majority of the week. I'll check in tomorrow though. I need to make contact with folks in Boston.

I hope you are well and happy and pursuing your Bliss.

Hugs to those who need 'em, those who want 'em, and those who knowingly or unknowingly act as sensei.
  • Current Music
    Want One tour, replaying in my head

Still, I think I'm doing fine

Here I was feeling like a freak yesterday for being all upside down and all over the place.

For seeing odd patterns, unraveling and feeling a little warped.

After looking at my friends page, all I can say is that I seem to be in good company.

Seriously, folks, what the heck is going on?

My general state is improving. Hope yours is, too.

In a related story, I do hope my coqueen is OK.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

HELP WANTED - Abducted
A friend of joyride75 was kidnapped Saturday about 4 p.m. as she was leaving her job in the Victoria's Secret store in the Columbia Mall in Grand Forks, ND.

Dru Sjodin, 22, of Pequot Lakes, Minn. is 5-foot-5 and weighs 130 pounds. She has frosted blond hair and blue eyes. She was last seen wearing black slacks, black loafers, a pink and purple V-neck blouse, a black blazer style jacket and a small black handbag.

You can read more about it HERE.

Photo of Dru Sjoden

I snagged this from circlek. A number of other people are spreading the word already-- pass the word along if you can. Thanks :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm making the forthcoming poll (regarding meeting this weekend in Boston) friends only, simply because it reveals where I'm staying and whatnot. If you want to come, but are not on my friends list, just let me know :)

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

<schmoopieness>My sweetie says I have a gift with words (and yeah, I do believe he was referring to that last entry-- the one in which I made no sense!). I don't know why his approval makes me so giddy, but it does. I am my own harshest critic, and I tend to take other people's critiques with a grain of salt-- especially the good ones. But his praise goes farther than other people's, even though I know he must be biased. Sweet man's eyes don't even glaze over when I start talking about computers! I love him so much. </schmoopieness>
  • Current Music
    humming the harmony to Oh What a World