March 16th, 2003


Not even friends; just colleagues.

It ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

No further explanation.

I am still cold and very much in the dark.

I'd somehow expected more.

Fuck all if this isn't the last time I share my feelings with someone.

Fuck me for thinking I meant something.

Even if only as a good friend.

Journal down until further notice.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed and used
rubbah and horns

(no subject)

At least there is some explanation.

And truthfully, I got what I wanted, as well as what is best for all concerned.

Please don't worry about me.

I promise to return when I am in a better state of mind.

Thank you to everyone who wrote.

I appreciate it more than you could know.
  • Current Mood
    very tired

Lost and found

I lost a friend last year, not to death or illness, but to himself. He no longer talks to me. Or anyone else, for that matter. Sad, really. Awfully painful, too.

I'd thought a similar situation was occurring (and some other stuff, too) last night with someone very dear to me. Thankfully, further clarification on both our parts shows me that I was much mistaken. Information is shared, wounds are allowed to air, and things are getting better.

Lessons learned, friendship kept, all is goodness and light.

OK, that was trite. But I enjoyed typing it. So there.

From reticent viking to talkative pirate in sixty seconds or less

I recognize that I see the world as a reflection of myself. Part of the frangibility of being human, I suppose. Perhaps one of our strengths, as well. Anyway, any time I have a fear about someone or something, I ask myself what it says about me.

I really feared that this friend was walking away. And sure, there was reason to think he might be, aside from my own fear. But the fact that I carried this fear told me something about myself.

Closer scrutiny showed my own modus operandi of distance then separation, of pulling away before pushing away, of making myself emotionally unavailable as a precursor to walking away from a relationship. It's a pattern I see so very clearly now-- one, I believe, I've overcome, much as I am overcoming my reluctance to share my innermost self (I'm guessing that a few of you have noticed it squeaking out more and more here as time goes by).

But I still carry it, so it deserves further scrutiny in future. In fact, I nearly distanced myself here rather than share. Three times to really learn it, isn't that the rule? It's funny that I didn't see it when E walked away.

I'm still working on not keeping the world at arm's length. Perhaps this recognition is a step in the right direction.

Bejamin Franklin once said "the man who trades freedom for security does not deserve, nor will he ever receive, either one." I've never applied this principal on such a personal level before, but, how long have I been trading liberty for some sense of security, real or imagined? All my life?

Food for further thought.

Behold the power of three

They say a lesson must be "learned" three times before it is really understood.

They also say what we do comes back to us threefold.

I wonder if there is a correlation.

My moving heart creaks on rusty hinges and that in itself is of reassurance

Had I been single all this time? I'd say not, though I'd be likely to change my answer in a hurry in most company. Whatever it was, was. Sure, there's some wistfulness there. But the friendship, however, the most important element, has been preserved, and is, perhaps, becoming stronger still. Dear lord I'm killing myself with the commas here.

Art thou reading this? I hope that you still are.

I once told you that I don't believe in or practice regret. Know that I still don't. I look back with a fond smile and ahead with anticipation, and I will always live in the present.

It was good to feel alive like that. Really really good.

Really really.


Thank you folks so much for the love. I've read the comments and emails several times apiece. I've been moved each time. I'm sorry I've not responded or phoned. I'm still coming to terms with all of this. But I am tremendously appreciative. I am so very blessed to know each one of you. I'm so sorry if I worried anyone.

And Scooter, you made me cry. In that Very Good way. I am keeping what you wrote with me at all times. Thank you. The Dopefish says "to dial" :)

Goodnight and sweet dreams, lj-land.
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    Telepopmusik - Breathe