*smooch* (ldy) wrote,

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The Life and Death of a Grand and Glorious Plan/or/Mister Fireplace and The Evil Log of Doom

Stuff I've done today:
  • Assembled computer hutch 1

  • Caught up with the lot of you 2

  • Cleared off table in kitchen

  • Moved table to dining room

  • Wheeled island/cart from pantry to its rightful place in kitchen

  • Dishes, dishes, dishes

  • Cleaned a bunch of stuff

  • Put away a bunch of other stuff

  • Cleaned out the fireplace

  • Took out the garbage

  • Went grocery shopping

We interrupt this list to go off on a tangent...

I went grocery shopping because I had a Grand and Glorious Plan.

This Grand and Glorious Plan involved a snowy evening; a well-stoked fire in the cast-iron glass-fronted furnace fireplace, churning out heat; a candle-lit bubble bath; a glass of wine in my hand3; some quality time with you folks; and, perhaps, some chatting and a wee bit of gaming or somesuch. Michele would be out working all evening, and I had no other plans.4

I should have known when I went to the supermarket and they didn't have Beefaroni™5 that things were not going to turn-out as planned.

I had a big grocery list, but was incited to go shopping to get wood. You see, it was necessary for the fireplace part of the GaGP. However, all they had were these preformed log... well, log-like things. They were buy one, get one free,6 so I said what the hell. You see, I had a Plan! And it required wood!7

I put away the six bags of groceries, arranged the flowers, poured a glass of wine, ate some Beefaroni™, and got down to firemaking. Into the fireplace went the log. Had I waited but a moment longer, the proper synapses might have fired in time for me to realize that the instructions specifically indicated that it needed to be burned in an open fireplace.

Tentively, I tried closing the door. Bad things happened. It burned more fiercely. Enough so to freak me out quite properly.

So I opened it back up. Having the Wonderfulness that is a cast-iron fireplace insert, I have no need for a screen. Erm, correction: HAD no need for a screen. I felt compelled (as a responsible homeowner) to keep an eye on it.

So I waited. And I watched.

It burned like a thing posessed. It burned. And it burned. And it BURNED. I thought for certain that the chimney would catch on fire!

Needless to say, this scared the crap outta me.

I reread the instructions. They offered little help, except to note that the log would continue scaring the crap outta me for three hours.8

So I cleaned the kitchen while frequently checking Mister Fireplace and The Evil Log of Doom.

...we now return you to your regularly-scheduled list.

  • Cleaned the overhead light fixture and replaced the light bulbs

  • Dishes, dishes, dishes9

  • Scrubbed the top of the range (even under things I didn't know I could remove!)

  • Swept

  • Swept between the spaces in the heating register

  • Did I mention dishes? Jeez.

  • Rearranged stuff

  • Cleaned the coffeemaker with one pot of vinegar, followed by two pots of water

  • Cleaned the sink strainers and fixed them so they actually work now

  • Juggled cats10

  • Put away dishes

Evil Log burned for exactly three hours. That, in and of itself, is bizarre, and an indication that these logs are the work of Satan.

*sigh* So much for my Grand and Glorious Plan for a rare free Saturday evening. But I'm done now! I can get on to other things! Like...

Damn. It's 3 am. And I'm exhausted.

Goodnight Toledo!


1 Not Starsky, hutch!
2 At least for today; much of what I missed when I was "away" is still evidently uncaughtup-- much moreso than I'd thought!
3 Replenished as needed, of course!
4 This is the first Saturday I've had "no other plans" in a rather long time. A definite cause for celebration!!
5 Don't give me no flak; it's my comfort food!
6 More specifically, buy one box of six, get another box of six
7 Kindly refrain from commenting on that poorly-turned phrase..
8 No, really; that's exactly what it said: "Will scare the crap outta Ldy for three hours"
9 And sadly, I do not have a dishwasher.
10 Just seeing if you're paying attention.
gagp There has been a delay in purchasing regular firewood. You see, I was trying to decide if I should buy a full cord, or just go with a face cord to start. Now, a full cord is about three times the size of a 16" face cord, but costs only twice as much. Is a good deal. Just for kicks, though, I spoke with the house's previous owner about it yesterday. "A face cord fills the palletized area in the basement and got us through two seasons-- that fireplace insert really conserves wood!" Heh. Glad I asked. And now I'm really wishing I'd gotten up early enough today to get wood. (heh)

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