On the sad side, things are going by so fast that I barely have time to savour one thing before the next is upon me. My apartment is a wreck. I need to move, and soon.
On the happy side, well...
Here I am. 34 years old. Terrible childhood. Not-so-great adulthood. All my life I was miserable, desperate to do something-- anything-- always feeling like I was on the sidelines, in the audience of life. Hating my place, blaming my place on others.
I realized today, that here I am, 34 years old. Smart. Attractive. Caring. Ethical. In the prime of life. Just off an excellent performance in a production of Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. Shakespeare, for Pete's sake! And I pulled it off, with believability and feeling in a way that anyone in the audience could understand who I was and what I was doing, regardless of the archaic English. I accept that I'm a talented actress, and also accept that this means nothing beyond the fact that I am talented in this area. It doesn't make me any "better" than anyone else. But it's a good feeling, a job well done.
I'm just about to close on a house. My house. Now, that's a day I never expected to see. And I'm not afraid of the enormous responsibility. If anything breaks, I can fix it or have it fixed. No fear. Wow.
No room for fear in this life of mine. Oh, what a freedom that is! I am not rid of it completely, but I usually have the presence of mind to choose love and joy over fear and pain when presented with the choice. I am learning. Yes I am.
I'm single, free to see the world as I see fit. I do not feel like I'm missing anything for the lack of a lover. Except, perhaps, sex. This will come in time. (Heh, excuse the pun.) This is a big change from the way I used to be. I always felt incomplete before. Not now. I am not looking for my missing piece. I'm taking the time to climb the mountains, to talk to the beetles, enjoying this time, this present, this now.
I have a career. Not just a job, a career. I'm knowledgeable, skilled and talented. That I never got my college degree hasn't stopped me. It's barely slowed me down. I am working on a plan by which I can have my own business and work at home, which would allow me to act professionally as opportunities present themselves. It will not come to fruition anytime soon (I'd be loathe to leave my current position), but it's an idea that could become a workable plan in time.
I have an on-line presence that I like. It suits me well. No drama, no pretense, nothing but me. Little by little I've come out of my shell here, and have always felt welcomed to do so. I've made friends here. Real friends who care. And IRL, I also have friends. Friends who truly love me. A couple of them would do anything for me (and I for them). I can't think of anybody who might hate me.
And yet, my worth is not determined by popularity or likability. If I were alone in this world, I'd still have myself. I'd still like myself.
And I do like myself. I'm in a decent place. I'm responsible for my own emotions and try to be sensitive to those of others. I don't blame, and I don't take blame. I don't take other people's emotions personally, and I try not to project myself over everyone else. I just live. And listen. And learn. And love. I am whole, and yet have room for so much more.
There is so much to learn-- so much to do, so much to see, so much to experience. But I cannot be regretful for the things I haven't done. I cannot be regretful for anything. I am the captain of this ship, and we go where we go. If there is an error in my navigation, dwelling upon it will not right the ship. I can only learn from it, adjust my course as necessary, and make notes for the next time I'm in these waters. I've noticed that when there's a lesson to be learned, life has a way of taking you back through familiar waters, again and again. I'm learning to see the landmarks.
My health is not exactly where I'd like it to be, but it's better than it was two years ago. I don't have leukemia or lupus or lymphoma (hooray!). I just have a tendency to get sick more frequently than others. I tend to get better more quickly though. I'm learning more about my health every day.
My life is so full that I barely have a free weekend anywhere. In August alone, there's a wedding, Dragon-Con, white-water rafting, and moving, of course (wherever shall I fit that in?). Although I am busy, I have chosen to do all these things. I am living the life I want to. If I complain about being busy, I need to take a good look at what I'd be willing to drop. If there's nothing I'd drop, then I'd best damn well be happy being busy, no?
And next week, I get to see some friends I've never seen before. In the far-off country of Ca-na-da. I'm stoked, and so pleased that I didn't talk myself out of going. The fear of not being ready to move into my house is not going to hold me back from living this life to the fullest, and meeting some dear old friends for the first time.
I've so much to be thankful for. And, hee, I just got some major lapcattage.
So, yeah, I guess happiness wins out this time ;)
I have to go clean my house for a little bit before bed.
Goodnight, dear journal. Goodnight, dear friends. Goodnight, moon.
Oh, and before I go,
I'm so glad you got a permanent account, and hope to see more of you :) I wish you a year of great friendships and much love.
Although I don't get to see as much of you as I'd like, I'm glad we ran into each other again :) I wish you a year of wonderful coincidences, learning and happiness.
I wish you the best of health, enduring happiness with Misty and great strides on this path called life. :)
And Happy Birthday
I know how hard this last year has been for you. May you take the sweet memories and lessons learned with you into this next year, and leave any pain behind. I wish you every happiness, Nuno.
Thank you-- all of you-- for being you. I am blessed to know each and every person here, I truly am.