*smooch* (ldy) wrote,

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The only thing we have to

I decided against the rollermacoasters today. I have real-life chills and thrills planned instead.

I am afraid.

I am afraid of buying something so BIG.
I am afraid of the commitment.
I am afraid of negotiating with Ruthless Realtor.
I am afraid of doing this all by myself.
I am afraid my Dad and my boss will think less of me if I hire RR.
I am afraid of being all alone on my own.

I've never felt more six in all my adult life.

But I'll get through this. Yes I will.

It's big. Big deal.
I've always been afraid of commitment. But this isn't really that much of a commitment. This isn't marriage, it's just a house.
If I fail, I bid on my own. If I lose face with him, or he dislikes me on account of this, I'll live.
I may make mistakes. The best I can do is try to not make irreversible, large or costly mistakes.
My Dad and my boss both care about me an awful lot. This will not change.
I am now and will always be alone on my own; and yet, I have people who care who will help catch me if I fall.

Things feared are never as bad as the fear itself.
Things feared are never as bad as the fear itself.
Things feared are never as bad as the fear itself.

Although I know this to be true, I am still afraid.

There is a card I always keep by my computer... I think I found it in Atlanta in 2000. It has made a difference in my life. It helped me when I broke up with xso, and many other times as well. I moved it when I set up Wulong, but I just dug it out again. It states:

"the jump is so frightening between where i am and where i want to be...
because of all i may become i will close my eyes and Leap!"

I think of the person I was when I bought that card, and compare her to the person I am now. So much has changed for the better as a result of my having taken action.

I choose to leap... and with my eyes wide open now.

To the edge I go.

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